What Happens In Hyrule
by Allexandra Radcliffe
Summary: The news and letters following Link through his journey in Twilight Princess. .:Chapter Eleven:. A trip to the past, courtesy of the ancients! Apparently the ancients were packrats... Spoilers!
1. The Ordon Enquirer

What's Happening in Hyrule – The Ordona Enquirer

by Allexandra Radcliffe

'_allo again! I know I should be updating The News of Nothing's Call and Behind the News, but I was sick all last week and I came up with this between hacking up a lung and watching that CSI marathon on Spike. Besides, I want my GameCube back so I can play Twilight Princess some more!_

_Well, anyway, this was obviously inspired by TNoNC, except it's a little different. These are the newspapers (and maybe letters, I'm still thinking about it) of the places and people Link runs into on his travels through Hyrule and the Twilight Realm. Of course, there's going to be spoilers. _

_Oh, and if anyone can think of a better title for this, please tell me. Titles aren't exactly my strong point, unfortunately._

_Disclaimer: I don't own The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess; it belongs to Nintendo. Yay Nintendo._

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The Ordona Enquirer

Nothing happens in Ordon Village. (Even though people say my work doesn't get done. It does! Link does it!) So I'll investigate some stuff and make this newspaper-thing.

Fado

AYLE AIEL ALIENS!!!!

Stuff has gone missing. Like Uli's baby basket and some food for the goats. (See, I do feed them!) Those crazy kids said something about a monkey, but that's ridiculous. Why would monkeys steal goat food? The only possible answer is… ALIENS!!!

See, I was once reading this book about a little girl working on a farm. (Like me! Only she raised cows, not goats.) And every year, these aliens would come in a glowy ball and steal her cows. The aliens had glowing yellow eyes and claws for hands, and they took her and the cows! But then a kid in green came and saved her. So when the aliens come, Link will save us all!

But where will the aliens come from? They might be from Hyrule. I mean, who knows what kinda people they have there? I heard Hylians eat rocks, and can breathe underwater, and even worship a dark god that'll possess the moon and bring it down to destroy everything. Wait a second…

Goats Plus Evil Gods Equals…End of the World!

The goat horns look like full moons. And they act like they're possessed sometimes. They knocked Link off Epona yesterday. So maybe the Hylians have invoked their dark god already! And they want to destroy Ordon Village first!

Update – Link Will Save Us!

Link and Epona just rounded up the goats (I would've done it, but I was writing) and Rusl is sending him to Hyrule. So now we don't have to worry about the dark Hylian god coming to destroy us, since Link is awesome enough to stop anything! Like those goats that always manage to get out. (Which is not my fault. At all.)

But wait, now who's going to round up the goats?

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_Short and random, I know. Next one should be coming soon. Read and review, please!_


	2. The Castle Town Chronicle

What's Happening in Hyrule – The Castle Town Chronicle

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_I said I'd get this up by the weekend, and it's still the weekend, so there! Hah! (Of course, I'm completely neglecting my English to do this, but it'll live. That's what free periods are for, after all.) But to the people who reviewed, thank you very much! I replied to the two signed reviews, so I'll give a super-special thank you to Alyne, since I couldn't earlier!_

_Neh, disclaimer. I don't own Twilight Princess or the various songs influencing this chapter.  
_

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Man Missing for Two Weeks – Girlfriend Extremely Worried  
A man named Jovani living off the southern thoroughfare has been reported missing by his girlfriend. Guards investigating his house found it locked with no way to get in.

"The last thing he said to me was something about Poes," his girlfriend tearfully told our reporter. "Maybe they stole his soul and split it into a lot of pieces in retribution for something! He's such a nice guy…" At this point, she was overcome with emotion and was unable to continue the interview. Several sources around Castle Town report her as living off Jovani's money for several years, so whether he really is missing or just hiding from his golddigger girlfriend is yet to be seen. More on this story as it progresses.

Also Missing – 24 'Special' Bugs; Reward Offered  
The self-proclaimed 'Princess Agitha of the bug kingdom' was seen yesterday putting up signs asking for aid in finding twenty-four golden bugs. When stopped by our reporter, Agitha had this to say before heading back to the house affectionately called 'Agitha's Castle'.

"They must have gotten lost on the way. I hope they are all right…"

The posters have sketches of all twenty-four bugs, which appear to be paired by gender and species. An apparent reward is offered, as a line underneath the sketches proclaims, "Find the bugs and be showered with happiness!" So bug-catchers, grab your nets. There's twenty-four out there and you gotta catch 'em all!

Raving Idiots At Telma's Bar  
Three of the regulars at Telma's Bar, along with a newcomer from the province of Ordona, were seen yesterday outside of Hyrule Castle, attempting to enter. When guards asked them to stop making a ruckus, they claimed that the castle was under attack and the princess was in danger. They were escorted from the castle premises by the guards, and were given a sobriety test by Doctor Borville. The test came up clean, and the group returned to Telma's after speaking with our reporters.

"You don't believe us, yeah?" the only female in the group, Ashei, asked. "Go check it out for yourself and see what happens then."

"When something big happens and you were all unprepared, don't come crying to us," the youngest member, Shad, said irritably.

"It's already started in Ordon Village, and now it's happening here," claimed Rusl, the only member of the group not a resident of Castle Town.

The last member, Auru, was unavailable for comment, as he was leaving Castle Town for Lake Hylia, apparently to find a way to the Gerudo Desert. Castle Town guards are currently investigating the group to see if this incident is indicative of terrorist motives or just the ravings of a bunch of idiots with too much time on their hands.

Weather for the Week  
According to weather wizards, there will be heavy fog and rain this week, despite their earlier predictions that our beautiful weather would continue into next week. They do say, however, to watch for exceptionally beautiful twilight, whatever that means.

Ask Auntie Fanadi  
Fanadi, we have nothing to do since our last green-wearing idol moved away. Should we give up our lives as fangirls and do something 'useful', like everyone tells us? Is there another idol in our future?

The Fangirls: Kili, Hanna, and Misha

Dearest fangirls, do not give up hope. There is another green-wearing idol in your future. Besides, the last one was a freak; you should be glad he's gone. The whole underwear-outside-a-green-jumpsuit was a little too much.

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_Fangirls. Gotta love the fangirls. Anyways, I tried to do Agitha right but I know it's not; I really need my GameCube back. And for some reason, Ashei's lines come out sounding like Wakka's (Final Fantasy X). I think I need to lay off the PS2 for a while. Read and review, please!_


	3. Letters and Other Things

What's Happening in Hyrule - Letters and Other Things

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Ugh, I really don't like formatting type things. That's why I prefer my devART! But that's not the point. The point is, I was all inspired this morning, and here's a bunch of random letters from peoples in Twilight Princess._

_Anyways, reviews! I replied to three, but to Ri2 (since I couldn't reply to yours): Yep, his girlfriend is in Castle Town, on the corner of the main road near his house. She will show up again, hehe. And yes, the fangirls are crazy (and have a thing for guys in green)._

_Disclaimer (nu…): I don't own Twilight Princess or any random references I may make in this story. Unless they refer to me. In which case, I own them because I own me. I hope I do, anyway._

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To: Gorons in Castle Town

From: Gor Coron

For reasons we could not have foreseen, the patriarch has been turned into a giant flaming monster with a glowing eye, goro. There's not too much we can do about it, so we locked him in the mines. It's probably all because of those Hylians, goro. Maybe they've done a ceremony to invoke a dark god that will strike down all races besides them, so they can rule Hyrule. Or maybe the king has a new advisor who is a great magician secretly working to destroy Hyrule. Whatever it is, we've cut off all contact with Kakariko Village, even though there was a fire or something down there and the town now seems deserted. They'll live. Anyway, try to get back as soon as you can, goro.

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Dear Renado,

I haven't seen you in ages! You really should come over to Castle Town sometime and visit. There's all sorts of crazy things going on around here. Just yesterday, Ashei, Shad, Auru, and Rusl almost got arrested for trying to get into Hyrule Castle. We know the princess is in danger, but there's nothing we can do about it. Still, there's other interesting things going on around here. Remember Jovani? He's gone missing, and he hasn't paid his tab here at the bar!

It's been raining for the past week, and nobody comes around anymore. Also, things feel sort of insubstantial, as if we don't exist or something. Have you ever had that feeling?

Well, the postman's about to leave, so I'll finish this for now. Come visit sometime, okay?

Lots of love,

Telma

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Queen Bulblin,

Sorry I not home last night. We kidnapped young Hylians but they got away. Now we near Bridge of Eldin. Might come home tonight, bring something for dinner. Maybe wolf since you like so much.

King Bulblin

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From the Usurper King's Journal

I did it! I can't believe it, but it's true! I took over Hyrule! It was really cool, because I just walked into Hyrule Castle, and Zelda was like, "Never!" and I was like, "Surrender or die!" and she was like, "Grr…" and I was like, "Haha!" (the evil laugh Ganny taught me!) and she was like, "Fine, you win…" and I was like, "Yay!" Except I didn't say that last part out loud because that wouldn't be evil.

Anyways, Midna's disappeared. That's kinda sad, because I like her. Or I would, if she hadn't been picked to be the Twilight Princess. (That's a cool name. I should call her that when I see her next and see what she thinks.) She's probably mad at me for transforming her into that little imp, but it's so cute!

That guide to being evil that Ganny lent me had some tips for decorating an evil fortress. So I've got a bunch of Twili rebuilding Hyrule Castle's interior. It's going to be awesome when it's finished; all freaky and rainy with a bunch of undead stuff. King Bulblin and his underlings have set up their own camp in one of the courtyards, along with a group of Kargoroks. The Iron Knuckles are all in place inside, and of course, there are a few souls of dead Hylian soldiers around, for atmosphere.

Oh, this is so cool!!!

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_That was a good chapter. I just woke up this morning and checked my mail before I left for school, and there were three reviews! So I was happy all day, and it inspired me to write this chapter! Chapter Four's in the works, so look for that in the next couple days! Please review!_

_(I suppose I'd better put a spoiler warning on this, shouldn't I…)_


	4. Thoughts From Some People

What's Happening In Hyrule – Thoughts From Some People

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_I know I promised some people I'd have this chapter up by the end of the weekend, but circumstances prevented me from making that deadline. But it's only noon on Monday, so…does that count for something?_

_Anyways, a little short for this chapter, and a little weird because I lost the inspiration for it about halfway through before I got it back again sometime this morning. So please forgive me if you think this is a piece of crap. The next one'll be better. _

_Thanks, everyone who reviewed! I meant to reply to them, but last week was just one of those lazy weeks and I barely touched the computer. Sorry about that; I promise I'll reply to everyone next time!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight Princess. End of story._

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The Journal of Link

Thank the goddesses I'm Hylian again. Not that being a wolf was bad or anything. Actually, it was okay. The fur kept me nice and warm. But having to carry Midna around was too much. Since when do I need an annoying sidekick, anyway?

So anyway, we're going through the Forest Temple now. And all I have to say is this: I hate monkeys! They're stalking me with those annoying monkey noises, trying to get me to save their friends. It's not that I don't want to help them, I just wish they'd be a little quieter.

(A Little While Later)

I hate monkeys. Midna won't let me leave until we find the Fused Shadow, and I found this weird Cucco-like thing with a human head that talks. She said her name was Ooccoo. I just hope we finish this temple soon.

Midna's Diary

I'm losing track of how long we've been going through this temple. Link insists on leaving every so often because he, as he puts it, 'can't stand those monkeys chattering anymore'. I agree with him on that, but finding the Fused Shadow is important. Zant isn't going to get away with turning me into this, because I'm the Twilight Princess and the rightful ruler of the Twilight Realm!

Twilight Princess. That has a nice ring to it. I'll have to use it when we run into him next.

And another thing: if the gods chose the clothes for the Hero, why couldn't they have chosen something with pants?

A Look Into The Thoughts of the Female Monkey, Hereafter Referred to as Momo

Forest been very strange lately. First humans taken by Bulblins, then Ook start acting strange. Now human in green helps free our friends. He not seem happy, though.

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_Ugh. I was thinking about scrapping this chapter a second ago, and pushing up Chapter Five, but…it's all a work in progress. I might come back later and redo this. In any case, shameless plug time – if anyone has the time or inclination to read my blog, click the homepage link in my profile._


	5. The Ordona Enquirer, Yet Again

What's Happening in Hyrule – The Ordona Enquirer

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_Back again! Of course, it's only been a day (or less, depending on how picky you are) since I posted Chapter Four, but I was really irritated with that one, so here's a better chapter that'll hopefully make up for it. I promise to never post another chapter like that again – all rushed and disjointed, and I just stuck Momo's part on to try and make it a little longer. (It didn't work, obviously.) Please forgive me!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. I do, however, own Chrystasen, and the story by her, so no stealing._

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The village seems really empty lately. No Link, no Rusl, no little kids trying to ride the goats. Speaking of them, it's not my fault they get away! Link and Epona are the only ones who can keep them in line. Lets hope they get back soon.

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Late Night Wolf Scare!

Just before Rusl left, a wolf was spotted in the village! Mayor Bo reported that it ran around the village, as if it were searching for something, and the Ordon Shield disappeared, along with the sword forged for the Hylian Royal Family. (This may or may not be a good thing; see the first issue of the Ordona Enquirer for information on a plot against Ordon Village.) Apparently, the wolf stopped several times, as if conversing with something, which could be seen slightly in the moonlight as a small, impish creature with a strange helmet on its head. The helmet had an eye that he drew for me, which reminded me of something else…

We're Doomed!!! (Seriously This Time)

Remember the dark Hylian god I was talking (not ranting) about earlier? Well, in the book I was reading, the god had a physical manifestation in this world, in the form of a mask _with the exact same eye as that imp-creature's helmet!!!_

So what does this mean? If the dark god's mask has manifested in this world, we're all screwed. Unless Link saves the day with the other ancient power that opposed the dark god. It's all possible, because Link has all the qualities a hero needs.

The Qualities A Hero Needs!

Every adventure story needs a hero. And most heroes have distinguishable heroic qualities that allow one to easily identify their heroic-ness. (There was this one story with an abnormal hero, but the person who wrote it is weird. She lives in Kakariko Village and apparently enjoys complaining about a general lack of cute heroic guys in Hyrule.) So anyway, here's a list of heroic qualities, to prove that Link really will save us all.

Most heroes have blond hair. If they don't, they either have brown hair or some crazy color, like blue.

Most heroes have blue eyes. If not, it's a strange shade like brown with a hint of red or something.

Some heroes are the silent type, preferring to let their actions speak for them. If not, they're confident and good at leading people.

Heroes always fight with swords. It's more heroic that way.

Heroes are normally orphans. If they have a parent, the parent will always be of the opposite gender.

There you have it: undeniable proof that Link is a hero and will save us all! And then come back and help with the goats.

Book Review! _A Different Story_, by Chrystasen

This is the story I mentioned earlier with a strange hero, and I thought I'd do a book review. The story is about a young girl living in a small village who gets cursed by a demon and is going to die. But there's also an evil god who stole his brother's power and kidnapped the girl's half-sister, so the girl leaves home to find a way to end the curse and save her sister. Oh, and the world, but that doesn't matter as much.

It's a good book, but the heroine is really different from normal heroes. For one, she's a girl. And she has silver hair and red eyes. She's also short, sorta quiet but very sarcastic, fights with her fists and a little magic, and has both parents. Weird. Still, it's a good book. Borrow it from me if you want to read it.

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_All done! And definitely better than the last chapter. No monkeys, for one thing. Anyways, as I mentioned, the 'book review' is from one of my original stories (twisted a little to fit the rules of Hyrule and my paranoia of people stealing my ideas). I have to thank tikitikirevenge for giving me the idea of slipping in something original of mine in. Now I can go to bed, and I shall. Before I try to force anything on the next chapter, and it ends up as stupid as the last. Night-night!_


	6. Again With The Letters

What's Happening in Hyrule – Again With The Letters, Kakariko Village Edition

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_Yay! Over six hundred hits! Allex ish very happy and dancing because she finally finished her English story and it rocks!! I might post it on FictionPress if I feel like it later. Anyways, thank you, reviewer peoples! You rock! And as for the list of hero characteristics in the last chapter, well…I got several of them from the Grand List of Console Role-Playing Games Clichés, and I might have made up one or two of them, but they're mostly accurate. (Mostly. This is Fado we're talking about here.)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight Princess or the characters. But I do own me, a.k.a. Chrystasen, and my crazy fangirl tendencies._

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To: The Hylian Fangirls Guild

Re: Unfortunate News

I am sorry to inform you that one of your members, Chrystasen, died in a massive Bulblin attack on Kakariko Village. As the Postman is the only one able to get through the Bulblins, we cannot currently send the majority of her belongings, but I am sending her last finished manuscript and the journal she gave me shortly before the attack.

Chrystasen was a wonderful, if strange presence in our village. Although her attempts to start a Kakariko branch of the Fangirls Guild were unsuccessful, she brightened our daily lives by asking visitors which Castle Town Theatre performer they thought was the cutest, or repeatedly informing me that Barnes and I would make a good 'pairing', whatever that means.

We will hold her funeral as soon as the Bulblins leave Hyrule Field and will inform you of the time and date.

Sincerely,

Renado

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To: Chudley's Fine Goods and Fancy Trinkets Emporium

From: Barnes

Due to unavoidable circumstances (or maybe not, there's been too much happening lately to tell what was unavoidable), my entire stock of bombs and other exploding things, well…exploded. There's a giant smoldering ruin where my storehouse was. So with that, and our being besieged and the Gorons completely ignoring us, bomb supplies will be a little…short for a while.

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Dear Auntie Telma,

What a strange, sad week. The only people here are me, Father, Barnes, and the children from Ordon Village. One of them, Ilia, has lost her memory of everything that happened after her kidnapping.

For some reason, this all seems like something in one of Chrystasen's novels, right down to the strange young man in green who appeared by the spring last night. He's rather cute, but there doesn't seem to be anyone else with him. In Chrystasen's story, there would be several other people, including at least one more cute guy. Still, that's beside the point.

I asked Father why he hasn't written to the Castle Town guards to ask for assistance, but he showed me the newspaper clipping you sent with your last letter, and we both agreed they're too…incompetent to bother with. So we'll have to find our own way out. Wish us luck!

Love,

Luda

P.S. – I nearly forgot: can you tell the Fangirls Guild that Chrystasen left her Fangirl's Bible and that she wants all fangirls to heed the words of the ancient fangirls? She also said to tell Kili, Hanna, and Misha that their new fangirl obsession will come very soon.

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_Weirdness and fangirls. I killed myself off! Whoo! Also, for some reason I'm not getting review or chapter alerts. Anyone else having this problem?_


	7. The Daily Goron

What's Happening In Hyrule – The Daily Goron

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_Nearly eight hundred hits! That's two hundred between chapters five and six! Dancing time! I luffs you all muchly! _

_Neh, so here's chapter seven! As I told someone, I've got up to ten written, I just have to type them inbetween school assignments and so on. So keep looking back cause I'll update as soon as possible!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight Princess, but I do own my amazing, unknown parody author powers that I made up about three years ago. Haha!_

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Life around here has been dull lately, goro. The Zoras have gone back to Lanayru Province, and Hylians aren't allowed up the mountain anymore. So the elders have decided to make up some contests to keep us amused while we protect our home, goro!

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The Goron Karaoke Contest

This was a bad idea. Gorons cannot sing. I think Gor Coron might have started a rockslide further up the mountain trying to sing like that. And then there was an explosion down in Kakariko Village. Hopefully, we weren't the cause of that.

The Goron Dancing Contest

This was more successful. To start, we all did the ancient dance first done by Big Brother Darunia over a hundred years ago. Then someone came up with the idea of a dance-along with a prize (which, unfortunately, was a pink bow since someone stole the boomerang we would've given away). Of course, all that dancing around caused another rockslide. We also noticed several collapsed buildings in Kakariko Village. Let's hope we didn't cause that, either.

The Goron Races

We don't have a lot of space around here, but we did manage to create a racecourse. Everything went fine, except for when Gor Ebizo rolled into a wall and started (you guessed it) another rockslide. Then we noticed that a giant flaming rock had appeared out of nowhere, and that Link-goro had disappeared. So we decided to go inside and forget about the races. The prize had gone missing anyway – a jar of gold dust from deep inside the mines. Funny how these things happen, isn't it? It's as if some godlike power in denying us every cool object we could use, leaving us with that useless bow we put in the mines.

The Goron Sumo Wrestling Contest

As always, Gor Coron won this. Can't someone come along to match him, goro? The only person to ever win against him was a Hylian from down in Ordona Province named Bo. Is this what we've come to, Gorons?

Or maybe it's not us at all. Maybe it's the dark Hylian god's curse on us, making us all weaker without us knowing. And Darbus going crazy has to be the work of some evil, supernatural being. There are only two things we can do – send warriors out to defeat the dark god's avatar, which obviously has to exist because that's just the way things are, or we could stay where we are because if we can't beat Gor Coron, there's no way we can beat a god.

That seems like the best course of action, goro.

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_Yay for parody author powers! Especially of the amazing and unknown type! Try and see how many references you can pick up. I'll tell you that there's one from my other fic, The News of Nothing's Call, two for Oracle of Seasons, and two very obvious ones from Majora's Mask. _


	8. The Hylian Traveler's Guide: Part One

What's Happening in Hyrule – The Hylian Traveler's Guide, Part One

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_Y'know, I really wish people could find a time to change the time and stick with it. This whole new Daylight Savings Time thing doesn't work too well for me! Especially when I lost an hour that I could've used to play Majora's Mask! (Not that I really needed to play it any more than I did – I completed half of the game along with the entire Anju and Kafei sidequest.) _

_Right, um, what was I doing? Oh, yeah. 1000 hits!!! Whoo!!! I'm happy now. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, especially the people I can't reply to. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or Frosted Mini-Wheats. Those things are awesome for a weekend-long gaming marathon._

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The Hylian Traveler's Guide To…Ordona Province

Ordona Province is a small, peaceful place south of everything in Hyrule. Though it's technically not a part of Hyrule, the people there are still Hylian just because everyone's too lazy to remember to call them Ordonians, or whatever they'd be. Ordona Province is also known for its goats, its handcrafted wooden shields, and the mayor, Bo, who once won a sumo wrestling contest against a Goron elder.

Interview With The Mayor

When we reached Ordon Village, the town was nearly empty. According to the mayor, four children, including his daughter, had gone missing. A ranch hand had also disappeared, apparently while searching for the children. A while later, the town's swordsman left for Castle Town. All the mayor had to say on the recent disappearances was this:

"It kinda makes me think that Fado's right, about that dark god he's always ranting about."

Naturally, we went off in search of Fado to find out if this was some sort of local legend.

Interview With Fado

We found Fado on top of the barn, apparently hiding from the goats as they rampaged around their enclosure. We managed to join him on the barn and asked him several questions concerning this 'dark god', to which he replied enthusiastically.

"See, I was reading this story about a world where a dark god decided to wreak havoc and be evil and such. So he created a mask that came into the possession of someone with an evil heart, and eventually the world was destroyed when the person called the moon to come down and obliterate everything. Oh, and then there's the aliens who might come and take me and the goats away in a flying ball of light."

After this incredible story, he proceeded to tell us that 'Link' would save us all. When we asked who this Link was, we found that he is the ranch hand who disappeared along with the children. Fado continued on to tell us why Link would save us, along with a long list of hero characteristics that Link possesses.

In Conclusion

Ordon Village is a nice, quiet place to go if you like strange, apocalyptic legends, crazy people, and homicidal goats. It's rather like Castle Town in a way, but you get livestock as an added bonus.

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_Short, a little random, and most likely a rehash of other stuff from earlier, I know. If you don't like it, trust me when I say the next chapter'll be better. _


	9. More Thoughts From People

What's Happening in Hyrule – More Thoughts From People

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_I said this chapter was better and I meant it. And I'm still sleepy. But this journal chapter is way better than the last one. Maybe all chapters that are multiples of four are cursed or something. We'll have to wait until 12 to see that. _

_Anyways, got my GameCube back and started a new game last night (and immediately noticed some things I had wrong...) and it's really beautiful all over again! As for the inconsistencies, well..._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. Got it?_

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The Journal of Link

Today I jumped off a flaming bridge, battled and was carried upriver by an overgrown Twilight Kargorok, discovered the frozen home of the Zoras, searched all over Lanayru Province for those Tears of Light, freed the last part of Hyrule from the Twilight Realm, and was called a cosplayer.

The first parts I don't mind so much. Not that I'm going to jump off that bridge again or anything like that, it's just that you sort of get used to life-threatening situations when you're the 'Hero of Destiny' or whatever you call this. I know that's how Fado would put it. No, the annoying part is that I was called a cosplayer! This guy in Telma's Bar, Shad, said he liked my clothes and asked how much I would take for them! I'm just wondering what he expected me to wear once I gave them to him…

Another weird thing happened when we were in Castle Town. There were these three girls who kept following me around, then ran off squealing whenever I looked at them. And then some guy wouldn't let me into a shop until I got my shoes cleaned by a kid outside, and when I got inside, everything was ridiculously overpriced.

There was also a strange girl who wants me to find some bugs for her, but I think she's okay. Then there's a large group of cats, including Telma's cat Louise, that follow me around a lot. Not to mention the postman, who reminds me a little of Fado – just skinnier, way too hyper, and creepily dedicated to his job.

If this is what the city is like, I'm going back to Ordon Village and never leaving again.

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Midna's Diary

I'd forgotten what a city is like. And a city in this realm, well…let me say that Hylians are some of the strangest creatures out there. Even Link and his non-existent pants aren't as strange as some of the people around here.

Zant is near here, probably laughing his head off which we're searching for these Fused Shadows. He's probably redecorating Hyrule Castle as we speak, or he might have finished and is planning on redecorating all of Hyrule.

Oh, gods, that's a horrifying thought.

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From the Usurper King's Journal

I started reading this book about a group of warriors that Ganny gave me so I can learn to be a better villain. And I read this one really good line by one of the villains, and I'll use it when I see Midna (and that kid in green) next! See, she'll be like, "We're not going to let you get away with this!" and I'll be like, "You'll have no choice about it!" and she'll be like, "Why not?" and I'll be like, "Because I, Zant, shall knock you both down!"

Oh, I am so cool!!!

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_Got that reference? If not, go read 8-Bit Theater. Brilliant webcomic, that. Or just go play Final Fantasy (the first one).  
_


	10. The Castle Town Chronicle, Vol 2

What's Happening in Hyrule – The Castle Town Chronicle

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Ah haha. Has it really been so long since I updated? Well, school's out, and I was digging through my binder at two in the morning (inspired insomnia is still insomnia, as I have found) and I happened to come across chapters 10, 11, 12, 13, and an incomplete 14 that I had forgotten about! (There was a half-written Kingdom Hearts AU right after it, so I must have temporarily lost interest and eventually forgotten it. Hehe.) _

_I'm pretty sure there's some reviews I haven't replied to that got lost in the general mayhem of my email, but to everyone who reviewed, I luffs you all! I would give you food, but all I have is this fried chicken, and unfortunately, I'm eating that._

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. Woe ish me. 

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Postman Arrested For Invasion of Privacy

Late last night, the postman was apprehended at Telma's Bar by the Castle Town guards on charges of breaking and entering, invasion of privacy, and sexual harassment. (The last charge was apparently raised by Jovani's ex-girlfriend because "he looked at me strangely". No one has bothered inform her that that's how he looks at everyone.) The first two charges were raised by Fado of Ordon Village and the Zoras of Zora's Domain, both of whom found him in private areas reading the mail he was supposed to be delivering.

"He was sent by the avatar of the dark god, I know it!" proclaimed a visibly agitated Fado to the reporter we dispatched to Ordona Province. "What did we do to make you all so angry? Please, spare us!"

Needless to say, our reporter left Ordon Village as quickly as possible.

In the absence of Princess Zelda, the case could not be tried, and the postman was released due to people wanting their mail delivered. According to Aveil, leader of the Castle Town guards, the postman "will be on probation until the princess can decide on his case, or until a suitable replacement can be found.

The staff of this paper highly doubts the latter will ever happen. The postman runs like a sugar-high kid smoking hawk grass; you won't find anyone that can match him any time soon.

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Unknown Thief Vandalizes Castle Town Homes

While everyone was at the fountain following the arrest of the postman, an unknown thief entered numerous houses, breaking pottery and stealing whatever he found. There is only one witness, a young child who described the intruder as 'green'. The child was questioned further by his parents in the presence of our reporter.

"He just walked in and threw the jar at the wall and took all the rupees in it... Then he went in the chest with the money Mom says is for my future, and then he attacked the Cucco with a sword! And then he looked at me, and I was really scared, so I just told him about the Zora boy at Miss Telma's house and he left."

Investigators are in the process of questioning Purlo, proprietor of the STAR game, as he's the only person around here to wear green on a daily basis. The fangirls claim to have another green-clad object of obsession, but they were found, upon questioning, to not even have learned his name, only claiming, "Who cares? He's smexy, that's what matters."

It all makes you wonder: what's the world coming to?

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Another Crazy Person In The Town Square

Just outside Hyrule Castle, Jovani's ex-girlfriend was seen (and heard) berating the guards for not trying their hardest in their search for Jovani. Despite being worried about the man, most residents of Castle Town are no longer paying attention to her, as she is now seeing Chudley's younger brother while still claiming to be with Jovani. More on this story (though not on her) as it happens.

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Following The Raving Idiots

After their spectacle in front of Hyrule Castle, the members of 'the Group', as they call themselves, split up to pursue their own goals. Special Castle Town guards followed each of them on a secret mission to discover their objectives before returning to town and telling everyone what they found out. (So much for secrecy...)

Ashei was tracked to the foot of Snowpeak, where a raging blizzard prevented her and the guard from venturing further up the mountain. The nearby Zoras said that a yeti had been spotted recently, but of course everyone knows yeti don't exist.

Auru traveled to Lake Hylia where he, according to Fyer the cannon guy, is searching for a way to the Gerudo Desert and the ancient structure known as the Arbiter's Grounds. One would wonder why Auru couldn't simply ask Fyer to fire him towards the desert, but then again, who would?

Shad is currently wandering around Hyrule, searching for clues to decipher the 'Sky Language' that he studies. He seemed particularly interested in the Owl Statues found around Hyrule Field, despite the fact that everyone knows the story behind them. They were created by Queen Zelda over a hundred years ago to honor the owl sage Kaepora Gaebora. The best part about them, according to legend, is that they don't talk at all, as opposed to the endless chatter of the original owl.

So in other words, Hyrule is not under attack by a bunch of raving idiots. And why would we be? We've had peace for over a century. Absolutely nothing is going to happen.

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Weather For The Week

Sunny, few clouds, warm, occasional foggy rain at night. From now until forever unless otherwise noted.

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_Finished! Yay! Haha! Um, yeah...it's Father's Day, and I'm sleepy. Lots of marathons on, but nothing I haven't seen before. Anyways, I can promise you at least three more chapters, along with some original fiction over on FictionPress (when I can remember) and lots of updates on my Zelda blog! Yay! Review, and I'll give you...um...well, I'll think of something when you review. Unless I eat it. _


	11. A Castle Town Chronicle Special

What's Happening In Hyrule – A Castle Town Chronicle Special

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Oh wow._

_It's been over half a year since I last updated this. Sorry! Things got me distracted...like all the Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII stuff, and going on a mad webcomic reading rampage, and school... But then I found that I'd actually written the next couple chapters a while back and forgot about them, so I have no real excuse. _

_In any case, a huge huggle to everyone who reviewed and faved! I swear I'll finish this! Just stick with me for a little while once I get my head out my OC world!_

_Disclaimer: Don't own Legend of Zelda or any other reference in this._

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While we were digging through our storage room today, we came across an ancient room – covered by a conveniently placed box – that was revealed to be a vault for the Castle Town Chronicle of ancient times! So in order to showcase and preserve our illustrious Hylian history, we have reproduced one of the issues for you.

**The Castle Town Chronicle**

Attempted Kidnapping of Princess Zelda Failed

The nursemaid/bodyguard of young Princess Zelda apparently lost track of the heir to the throne yesterday. Several citizens reported a small blond-haired girl playing every game in the Market with a young boy in green. An inside source in Hyrule Castle report the Princess and Impa had a minor argument that night about the boy in green, the Ocarina of Time, and a group of would-be kidnappers. Apparently, the boy in green protected her from the kidnappers, who appeared to be from the Gerudo tribe.

No one yet knows how this will affect the king's talks with the new leader of the Gerudo, Ganondorf Dragmire, or how several Castle Town merchants will recover from the loss of goods they gave the princess free of charge because "she was just too cute!"

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Applicants Wanted For New, Well-Paid Position

Responding to the complaints of numerous lazy Castle Town residents, the king is creating the new job of Royal Postman for the Kingdom of Hyrule. Applicants must be fast, reliable, and willing to work on a rigid schedule. Please inquire at Hyrule Castle if interested.

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New Shop In The Market!

Recently, the Happy Mask Shop opened in the long-abandoned building right next to the road to the castle. The Happy Mask Salesman greeted us with a strange, happy smile, and told us his story.

"I've been searching all over for this one very special mask, and when I reached this place, I sensed it nearby. I haven't been able to locate it yet, but this is a nice place, so I decided to stay for a while and open up a shop." His expression changed rapidly before he spoke again, leaving our reporter speechless. "I must find it, I must! Who knows what terrible fate could befall this world if I don't?" His original smile returned then, scaring our reporter even further. "I'm sorry, please forget that. Come buy a mask one day and fill your life with happiness!"

So go buy a mask and welcome another crazy person to this town of ours.

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Missing – Talon of Lon Lon Ranch

Young Malon of Lon Lon Ranch was seen by the fountain earlier, singing loudly and apparently searching for her father. Those who know Talon seriously doubt he's missing; he most likely fell asleep while delivering milk to Hyrule Castle. One would wonder why we haven't heard his ridiculously loud snoring, but he might have found a good place this time.

Update – Talon Has Woken Up

A little after sunrise this morning, the Hyrule Castle guards reported a loud rooster crow from near the service entrance. Half a minute later, Talon apparently dashed through the gate, nearly running over one of the guards in his rush to find Malon. Some claim the guards were sleeping as well, but no concrete proof of this exists. Except for the fact that everyone knows the Castle Town guards are completely incompetent.

Huge Sales In The Market! Today Only!

Hylian Shields, Only 80 Rupees! Limited edition, only a few in stock: buy one now or regret it!

One dragon for sale, 70 Rupees at the Bazaar.

Advertising Section

Do you like spitting at your customers? Enjoy charging ridiculous prices for useless things? Come join the Business Scrubs School of Commerce! We'll teach you everything you need to know to become a successful salesperson! (We regret that all applicants join at their own risk.)

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_A blast from the past. I'll do my best to make these longer in the future!_

_Reviews please? _


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